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The Clean Ask That Stops Over-Explaining

Ask for what you need without turning it into a whole trial, TED Talk, or self cross-examination.

5 min read · Scripts included

Clean Ask Formula

Feeling → Need → Request
1

Name the Situation, Not Their Character

Bad:

"You never care about me."

Clean:

"When we make plans and they change last minute..."

2

Name the Feeling Without Drama Labels

Bad:

"You make me crazy."

Clean:

"I feel anxious and unimportant."

3

Name What You Need in Simple Language

Bad:

"You should already know that as my partner you are supposed to..."

Clean:

"I need more notice when plans change."

4

Make One Specific Request

Use:

  • "Are you willing to..."
  • "Can we agree that..."

Examples:

"When plans need to change, are you willing to tell me as soon as you know instead of at the last minute?"

"When you are upset with me, can we agree you will tell me directly instead of going quiet?"

5

Stop After the Ask

No extra:

  • Apologizing for needing it
  • Repeating your whole life story
  • Talking them out of saying yes

You can end with:

"How does that sound to you?"

Then be quiet.

Full Examples

Situation: Plans keep changing

"When plans need to change, are you willing to tell me as soon as you know instead of at the last minute? How does that sound?"

Situation: Silent treatment

"When you are upset with me, can we agree you will tell me directly instead of going quiet? I feel anxious when I do not know what is happening. How does that work for you?"

Situation: Need reassurance

"I am feeling disconnected. Can we check in for five minutes tonight? I would like to know we are okay."

Practice clean asks in the Anxious Healing Program

Week 3 is entirely dedicated to communication scripts that land.

Learn More →