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When You Shut Down

A guide for avoidant nervous systems. Honor your need for space without abandoning, stonewalling, or secretly sabotaging your bond.

8 min read · Scripts included
1

Recognize Your Shutdown Tells

Common signs:

  • Your chest feels tight, you go numb, everything feels "too much"
  • You start thinking "This is pointless. I should just leave"
  • You feel trapped, criticized, or inspected
  • You want to scroll, sleep, or disappear

Tiny script to name it:

"I am getting overwhelmed."

"My body is shutting down. I need a pause so I do not shut you out."

2

Call Structured Space Instead of Disappearing

Rules for a healthy timeout:

  1. Name what is happening
  2. Say what you will do
  3. Say when you will be back

Example:

"I care about this conversation and I can feel myself shutting down. I need thirty minutes to calm my body. I will come back and talk at [time]. I am not ignoring you."

Even shorter:

"I am overloaded. I need a reset. I will come back to this at [time]."

3

Regulate in a Way That Actually Works for Avoidants

You tend to escape through distraction and avoidance. You need grounding, not vanishing.

Helpful:
  • Silent walk, no phone
  • Long, slow exhales, count four in, six out
  • Weighted blanket, leaning against a wall, or lying on the floor
  • Short journaling: "What just felt like a threat" and "What was I afraid they were going to do or say"
Harmful:
  • Doom scrolling
  • Replaying the argument to prove you are right
  • Fantasy of disappearing without a trace
4

Translate What Your Shutdown Really Meant

Questions to ask yourself:

  • "What was I protecting?"
  • "What did their tone or words remind me of?"
  • "What did I make this conflict mean about me?"

Turn the shutdown into words:

Examples:

"When you raised your voice, my body thought I was in trouble like I used to be. I felt ten years old and my instinct was to shut off."

"When you asked more questions, I heard it as interrogation instead of curiosity. That made me want to escape."

5

Re-engage Even If You Feel Awkward

You will not feel ready. Do it anyway in a soft, simple way.

Re-entry phrases:

"Thank you for giving me space. I am ready to talk about it now."

"I understand more clearly what was happening for me earlier. Can I share?"

"I am still a bit anxious, but I want to finish this so it does not sit between us."

6

Set Shared Rules That Make It Safer for You to Stay Present

Examples:

"If I say 'I am getting flooded' we slow down and both take three breaths."

"Please try to bring things up earlier, not at midnight when I am already done."

"If you need more details, can you ask one question at a time so I do not feel interrogated?"

Longer term practice:

  • Weekly check in about how conflicts went
  • A personal rule: "I can ask for space, but I do not vanish. I always come back."

Which war is your nervous system fighting?

The War Mapping Quiz identifies your core fear and survival mask - so you can interrupt the shutdown before it takes over.

Take the War Mapping Quiz →