The Four Beats of Push-Pull
Hook
What happens: Intense interest, strong pursuit, lots of reassurance
"Finally. Safe. Chosen."
Flood
What happens: Relationship goes deep or fast. Information sharing, sex, future talk, routines.
"This is everything. I cannot lose this."
Panic
What happens: One person hits their limit of emotional exposure. They feel trapped, inspected, or "too seen."
"Too much. Too close. I am about to get hurt or controlled."
Pullback
What happens: They withdraw, pick fights, get "busy," or go cold. The other person feels abandoned and starts chasing. Which makes the first person feel more trapped.
Micro repair, makeup energy, strong reconnect → back to Flood, Panic, Pullback
Key Truth
The push is usually about fear of losing you.
The pull is usually about fear of losing self.
Interrupting the Cycle
Slow the Flood
Pace the intimacy. You do not have to share everything week one.
Name the Panic
"I notice I am feeling overwhelmed. I need to slow down, not leave."
Offer Structured Space
Instead of disappearing: "I need some time. Let's check in tomorrow at 7pm."
Stop Chasing When They Pull
Use that moment as information. Their response to space tells you something.
The Visual
The cycle repeats until someone recognizes it and changes their move.
Is your partner's pattern ego or trauma?
The Pattern Spectrum Quiz helps you distinguish what you're actually dealing with - so you can make informed decisions.
Take the Pattern Spectrum Quiz →